How to ruin the human's date made easy (special letter to two greyhounds out there)

Not-dear Coffee and Daytona (two greyhounds who live with some other idiot human, and blessedly not here),

The Idiot Feral Human has reported how you two have wrecked *your* idiot human's dates, and all the effort you put into making sure your idiot human doesn't breed.

Amateurs.

Lemme tell you how *I* wrecked a date the Idiot Feral Human had.

I just went into the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a 'feminine product', and dropped it at the date's feet.

Idiot Feral Human turns bright red, and idiot male human trying to date her is never seen again.

Too easy.

Hisses,
Chase

Her name is Paintball

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

She ain't too bright, and she's annoying, but her name is "Paintball", not "Dammitkitty!"

Hisses,
Chase

Understandable (not forgiveable) offenses

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

I was NOT snuggling with the dogs yesterday. The living room had prime sunbeam coming through the window and I wanted a piece of that action, even if it meant putting up with the Stupid Greyhounds (they still ain't gray, dummy) who didn't have the brains to know to leave the area when I wanted it. I only let them get away with it because sunbeams are potent things, and it's understandable that the power of a good sunbeam to lay in would override their natural fear of me. I am NOT 'lovin' on the puppies', as you so inanely put it. Inadvertent body touches don't count as lovin'--you might want to grow a brain and learn the difference. They committed an understandable offense. It don't mean I forgive 'em for it, and that they won't pay up for it later.

Hisses,
Chase

Accident, you say?

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

You *think* that slip downstairs was an accident?

You just keep thinking that, dummy.

Hisses,
Chase

It's my birthday

Not-dear Idiot Dog-Lovin' Humans,

Today is my 13th birthday. Here's what I want: The stupid greyhounds out of here and a new human to serve me. The idiot girl kitten can stay.

The Idiot Feral Human advised me that most of you would rather celebrate this St. Patrick's Day instead. Whatever. Knock yourselves out. It's not like the way you celebrate could lower you in my eyes any more than what you already are.

Hisses,
Chase

Learn to hunt

Not-dear Stupid Girl Kitten,

You gotta learn to hunt sometime, and due to lack of natural prey in this house (the Idiot Feral Human does keep a clean house, I'll say that much for her), then we have to make do with what's at hand. I know the Idiot Feral Human's socks smell, but if you can handle those, you can handle anything else that might come up.

So start hunting instead of following me around like a dummy, dammit.

Hisses,
Chase

Free To Good Home

One Idiot Feral Human, female, late 30's, kind of stupid but reasonably well-trained, lot of years left in her. Reason: Because she annoys the hell out of me.

I reserve the right to get her back when it's time for me to be fed, for my litter box to be cleaned, and when I want a lap to sit on.

Hisses,
Chase