Not-Dear Stupid Humans,
I have been training the Idiot Girl Kitten, Paintball, ever since she was 12 weeks old. Like all the other creatures in this house, she's obviously not as smart as me, but since she's a cat, I figured she had to have *something* going for her.
I've been finding out how wrong I am on *that* score. I trained her best as I could, considering her lack of intelligence and the Idiot Feral Human encouraging non-cat like behaviors, and well, lately I've been seeing the results.
Paintball has taken to hanging out with the Stupid Greyhounds (who still ain't grey and I can't believe the humans fall for that line.) She sniffs noses with them. She doesn't object when they lick her. She lets them *cuddle* her.
What. The. Hell.
The only saving grace here is that she at least realizes that as a cat, she should object to having their noses stuck in her butt. I don't care if that's how dogs greet each other, it's rude. And if that *is* how dogs greet each other, it just proves my point about their lack of intelligence, don't it?
Kittens. You do your best to raise 'em right and let 'em know what's what, and they still grow up and disappoint you.
Hisses,
Chase
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I have decided to post, so be grateful
Not-Dear Stupid Humans,
Yeah, I know it's been awhile. The Idiot Feral Human got a new job where she's been working a lot of hours (and not paying proper attention to *me*, I might add), because she had to bring the rest of you something called a for-gee. I don't know what the hell that is, but if it keeps her from properly serving me, then I damn well don't like it. So you humans better appreciate this for-gee, whatever it is, because it came at *my* expense. You're not welcome.
The Idiot Feral Human has been taking it easy because she's 'tired'. Wimp. I can't have her sitting around doing nothing, so I made her update my blog in order to remind all of you that I am here, and I damn well deserve respect from all of you.
Hisses,
Chase
Yeah, I know it's been awhile. The Idiot Feral Human got a new job where she's been working a lot of hours (and not paying proper attention to *me*, I might add), because she had to bring the rest of you something called a for-gee. I don't know what the hell that is, but if it keeps her from properly serving me, then I damn well don't like it. So you humans better appreciate this for-gee, whatever it is, because it came at *my* expense. You're not welcome.
The Idiot Feral Human has been taking it easy because she's 'tired'. Wimp. I can't have her sitting around doing nothing, so I made her update my blog in order to remind all of you that I am here, and I damn well deserve respect from all of you.
Hisses,
Chase
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
How to ruin the human's date made easy (special letter to two greyhounds out there)
Not-dear Coffee and Daytona (two greyhounds who live with some other idiot human, and blessedly not here),
The Idiot Feral Human has reported how you two have wrecked *your* idiot human's dates, and all the effort you put into making sure your idiot human doesn't breed.
Amateurs.
Lemme tell you how *I* wrecked a date the Idiot Feral Human had.
I just went into the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a 'feminine product', and dropped it at the date's feet.
Idiot Feral Human turns bright red, and idiot male human trying to date her is never seen again.
Too easy.
Hisses,
Chase
The Idiot Feral Human has reported how you two have wrecked *your* idiot human's dates, and all the effort you put into making sure your idiot human doesn't breed.
Amateurs.
Lemme tell you how *I* wrecked a date the Idiot Feral Human had.
I just went into the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a 'feminine product', and dropped it at the date's feet.
Idiot Feral Human turns bright red, and idiot male human trying to date her is never seen again.
Too easy.
Hisses,
Chase
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Her name is Paintball
Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,
She ain't too bright, and she's annoying, but her name is "Paintball", not "Dammitkitty!"
Hisses,
Chase
She ain't too bright, and she's annoying, but her name is "Paintball", not "Dammitkitty!"
Hisses,
Chase
Friday, May 7, 2010
Understandable (not forgiveable) offenses
Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,
I was NOT snuggling with the dogs yesterday. The living room had prime sunbeam coming through the window and I wanted a piece of that action, even if it meant putting up with the Stupid Greyhounds (they still ain't gray, dummy) who didn't have the brains to know to leave the area when I wanted it. I only let them get away with it because sunbeams are potent things, and it's understandable that the power of a good sunbeam to lay in would override their natural fear of me. I am NOT 'lovin' on the puppies', as you so inanely put it. Inadvertent body touches don't count as lovin'--you might want to grow a brain and learn the difference. They committed an understandable offense. It don't mean I forgive 'em for it, and that they won't pay up for it later.
Hisses,
Chase
I was NOT snuggling with the dogs yesterday. The living room had prime sunbeam coming through the window and I wanted a piece of that action, even if it meant putting up with the Stupid Greyhounds (they still ain't gray, dummy) who didn't have the brains to know to leave the area when I wanted it. I only let them get away with it because sunbeams are potent things, and it's understandable that the power of a good sunbeam to lay in would override their natural fear of me. I am NOT 'lovin' on the puppies', as you so inanely put it. Inadvertent body touches don't count as lovin'--you might want to grow a brain and learn the difference. They committed an understandable offense. It don't mean I forgive 'em for it, and that they won't pay up for it later.
Hisses,
Chase
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Accident, you say?
Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,
You *think* that slip downstairs was an accident?
You just keep thinking that, dummy.
Hisses,
Chase
You *think* that slip downstairs was an accident?
You just keep thinking that, dummy.
Hisses,
Chase
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It's my birthday
Not-dear Idiot Dog-Lovin' Humans,
Today is my 13th birthday. Here's what I want: The stupid greyhounds out of here and a new human to serve me. The idiot girl kitten can stay.
The Idiot Feral Human advised me that most of you would rather celebrate this St. Patrick's Day instead. Whatever. Knock yourselves out. It's not like the way you celebrate could lower you in my eyes any more than what you already are.
Hisses,
Chase
Today is my 13th birthday. Here's what I want: The stupid greyhounds out of here and a new human to serve me. The idiot girl kitten can stay.
The Idiot Feral Human advised me that most of you would rather celebrate this St. Patrick's Day instead. Whatever. Knock yourselves out. It's not like the way you celebrate could lower you in my eyes any more than what you already are.
Hisses,
Chase
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