Letters from Chase

Paintball Is A Traitor To Her Kind

2011-06-01T23:03:00.002-06:00

Not-Dear Stupid Humans,

I have been training the Idiot Girl Kitten, Paintball, ever since she was 12 weeks old. Like all the other creatures in this house, she's obviously not as smart as me, but since she's a cat, I figured she had to have *something* going for her.

I've been finding out how wrong I am on *that* score. I trained her best as I could, considering her lack of intelligence and the Idiot Feral Human encouraging non-cat like behaviors, and well, lately I've been seeing the results.

Paintball has taken to hanging out with the Stupid Greyhounds (who still ain't grey and I can't believe the humans fall for that line.) She sniffs noses with them. She doesn't object when they lick her. She lets them *cuddle* her.

What. The. Hell.

The only saving grace here is that she at least realizes that as a cat, she should object to having their noses stuck in her butt. I don't care if that's how dogs greet each other, it's rude. And if that *is* how dogs greet each other, it just proves my point about their lack of intelligence, don't it?

Kittens. You do your best to raise 'em right and let 'em know what's what, and they still grow up and disappoint you.

Hisses,
Chase

I have decided to post, so be grateful

2011-06-01T22:55:00.002-06:00

Not-Dear Stupid Humans,

Yeah, I know it's been awhile. The Idiot Feral Human got a new job where she's been working a lot of hours (and not paying proper attention to *me*, I might add), because she had to bring the rest of you something called a for-gee. I don't know what the hell that is, but if it keeps her from properly serving me, then I damn well don't like it. So you humans better appreciate this for-gee, whatever it is, because it came at *my* expense. You're not welcome.

The Idiot Feral Human has been taking it easy because she's 'tired'. Wimp. I can't have her sitting around doing nothing, so I made her update my blog in order to remind all of you that I am here, and I damn well deserve respect from all of you.

Hisses,
Chase

How to ruin the human's date made easy (special letter to two greyhounds out there)

2010-08-10T23:34:00.003-06:00

Not-dear Coffee and Daytona (two greyhounds who live with some other idiot human, and blessedly not here),

The Idiot Feral Human has reported how you two have wrecked *your* idiot human's dates, and all the effort you put into making sure your idiot human doesn't breed.

Amateurs.

Lemme tell you how *I* wrecked a date the Idiot Feral Human had.

I just went into the cabinet under the sink, pulled out a 'feminine product', and dropped it at the date's feet.

Idiot Feral Human turns bright red, and idiot male human trying to date her is never seen again.

Too easy.

Hisses,
Chase

Her name is Paintball

2010-07-22T17:19:00.001-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

She ain't too bright, and she's annoying, but her name is "Paintball", not "Dammitkitty!"

Hisses,
Chase

Understandable (not forgiveable) offenses

2010-05-07T05:34:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

I was NOT snuggling with the dogs yesterday. The living room had prime sunbeam coming through the window and I wanted a piece of that action, even if it meant putting up with the Stupid Greyhounds (they still ain't gray, dummy) who didn't have the brains to know to leave the area when I wanted it. I only let them get away with it because sunbeams are potent things, and it's understandable that the power of a good sunbeam to lay in would override their natural fear of me. I am NOT 'lovin' on the puppies', as you so inanely put it. Inadvertent body touches don't count as lovin'--you might want to grow a brain and learn the difference. They committed an understandable offense. It don't mean I forgive 'em for it, and that they won't pay up for it later.

Hisses,
Chase

Accident, you say?

2010-04-15T18:02:00.001-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

You *think* that slip downstairs was an accident?

You just keep thinking that, dummy.

Hisses,
Chase

It's my birthday

2010-03-17T07:21:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Dog-Lovin' Humans,

Today is my 13th birthday. Here's what I want: The stupid greyhounds out of here and a new human to serve me. The idiot girl kitten can stay.

The Idiot Feral Human advised me that most of you would rather celebrate this St. Patrick's Day instead. Whatever. Knock yourselves out. It's not like the way you celebrate could lower you in my eyes any more than what you already are.

Hisses,
Chase

Learn to hunt

2010-01-19T19:54:00.003-07:00

Not-dear Stupid Girl Kitten,

You gotta learn to hunt sometime, and due to lack of natural prey in this house (the Idiot Feral Human does keep a clean house, I'll say that much for her), then we have to make do with what's at hand. I know the Idiot Feral Human's socks smell, but if you can handle those, you can handle anything else that might come up.

So start hunting instead of following me around like a dummy, dammit.

Hisses,
Chase

Free To Good Home

2010-01-04T05:30:00.002-07:00

One Idiot Feral Human, female, late 30's, kind of stupid but reasonably well-trained, lot of years left in her. Reason: Because she annoys the hell out of me.

I reserve the right to get her back when it's time for me to be fed, for my litter box to be cleaned, and when I want a lap to sit on.

Hisses,
Chase

It's not that flat

2009-12-16T21:47:00.001-07:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Just because the top of my head is flat does not mean you get to balance your soda can on it.

You're pushing your luck lately.

Hisses,
Chase

I'm giving you a view, be grateful

2009-11-24T07:29:00.002-07:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Regarding your whining about me sticking my butt in your face and boo-hoo, you 'didn't want to see that first thing in the morning'....

You'll note I didn't ask whether or not you did, because I don't care.

Hisses,
Chase

More proof that humans are stupid....

2009-11-17T21:55:00.001-07:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Regarding your argument that by virtue of being human, *you're* the smart one....

Which one of us gets to sleep all day, and which one of us has to go out and work?

'nuff said.

Hisses,
Chase

The Idiot Feral Human's Wake-Up Call

2009-11-17T21:42:00.002-07:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

If the idiot girl kitten wants to jump on your stomach in the middle of the night, she can. She may be an idiot girl kitten, but she is still a cat, and therefore, superior to you.

Hisses,
Chase

What Halloween means to THIS black cat

2009-11-01T21:35:00.002-07:00

Not-dear-Stupid Idiot Humans,

This is the day after this things you Idiot Humans call Halloween, which I call an excuse to stuff your faces with things you won't share with us. Whatever.

It was on this day, twelve years ago, that I got my Idiot Feral Human. I would've gotten her sooner, except for some stupid rule about not adopting black cats like me out during this Halloween thing. The Idiot Feral Human says it's due to some rumor about not-nice things being done to black cats this time of year. Whatever. It worked out for me--aside from her still not being properly trained all these years later, but there's only so much I can do with a dummy.

Because of this rumor, the Idiot Feral Human was warned about making sure I didn't go outside.

Lemme explain something--stupid as she is, I at least got her trained to feed me, clean out my litterbox, and serve as a pillow when I want extra warmth when I sleep. What the hell do I need to go outside for?

I guess I'll keep her. Not out of sentiment. I'm just too damn old to start training another Idiot Feral Human. But if she brings one more stupid greyhound in this house or another Idiot Feral Human to live here, then she's gonna be sorry.

Hisses,
Chase

Save the humans--A Special Letter From Me

2009-09-28T08:30:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Human,

Normally I spend my time thinking about how much easier life would be if I didn't have to try and train the Idiot Feral Human, and I have entertained thoughts about doing her in, if not for those opposable thumbs of hers. Those opposable thumbs make it worth keeping a human around to serve you.

So on that note, my human is going out on October 4th to do what she calls a "Race For The Cure". What this means is that she will get out of my house and leave me in peace for a few hours while she walks around to raise money to cure a disease called breast cancer, which is known to affect 1 out of every 8 human women during their lifetimes.

Since human women are much more likely than human men to serve us cats (and I could say a lot on THAT subject, but the Idiot Feral Human has asked me to be nice for the sake of a good cause, and since she's been good this week, I'll indulge her), then obviously it's worth saving them. So I will whole-heartedly back the Idiot Feral Human (not to mention shove her fat ass out the front door) in doing this.

The Idiot Feral Human will be walking with another Idiot Human (though not a feral one, as this human was apparently raised and properly trained by cats) who has survived the disease (which means she is available to serve a cat again--any takers? I recommend this human highly.) They are hoping for donations from other humans in this. You can give them money at http://www.komendenver.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=1090&team_id=42820

If nothing else, it gets my Idiot Feral Human out of the house for a few hours so I can torment the stupid greyhounds.

Save the humans.

Hisses,
Chase

Has she smelled her feet lately?

2009-09-28T08:28:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

As to your dimwitted assertation that my stalking your socks does not make me a mighty hunter.....have you smelled your feet lately?

'Nuff said.

Hisses,
Chase

Waking up and bathtimes

2009-08-30T11:59:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

If you wake up to me sitting on your chest and glaring into your eyes, you might want to take that as a hint that you have displeased me, instead of telling me to "Get my fat ass off" (you should talk).

Same goes for if you take a 'bubble bath' and sleep in the water (dunking your entire bodies in water, more proof of human stupidity) and leave the door open enough for me to get in and hop onto the side of the tub and glare at you.

By the way, screaming in the second case was not necessary. And don't give me that "You scared me!" crap.

Hisses,
Chase

I'll take it if I want it!

2009-08-23T20:29:00.003-06:00

Not-Dear Idiot Feral Human,

If I want Summer's bed, then I'll take it. Somebody has to show her who's boss around here.

Hisses,
Chase

****************************

Not-Dear Stupid Greyhound,

Wuss.

Hisses,
Chase

When Humans don't share

2009-08-19T22:15:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Humans,

My Idiot Feral Human is drinking something called "Irish Cream" and refuses to give me any. No amount of glaring is working. She keeps saying in what *she* thinks is a cutesy voice (in reality, she sounds like a dingaling), "Not for kitties!"

Then she calls me her "Pretty Irish Kitty" and starts singing some stupid song about Irish eyes smiling. Some nonsense about my birthday being March 17th, whatever the hell *that* means. The human thinks this is funny. The human thinks this is cute. The human is an idiot.

Hisses,
Chase

Ancient Egyptians and Idiot Humans

2009-08-19T22:03:00.003-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Humans,

I'm told 5000 years ago, those of you called "Ancient Egyptians" worshiped us cats as gods (as we should be.)

At what point did you get collectively stupid and forget this?

Feel free to make amends for your foolishness. *glare*

Hisses,
Chase

Hold still!

2009-08-19T21:48:00.002-06:00

Not-so-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Either sit down or stand up. Make up your non-existent mind. But once I claim your lap as my resting place, you need to keep your butt on the sofa.

Hisses,
Chase

Summer is disrespectful

2009-08-04T22:34:00.001-06:00

Not-dear Summer(one of the Idiot Greyhounds),

When I hiss at you to get out of my way, you get the hell out of my way. You don't walk by me like you don't see me.

Hisses,
Chase

****************

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Don't think I didn't see you laughing at her disrespectin' of me. You gotta sleep sometime. *glare*

Hisses,
Chase

It's bedtime, stupid

2009-08-04T22:18:00.003-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Feral Human,

Apparently you aren't just an idiot, but you're deaf as well. I've been calling you to bed for 15 minutes now. I need a pillow to rest on, and you make a good one.

Move it.

Hisses,
Chase

Buy a calendar, help keep these dogs away from me

2009-06-24T22:09:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Humans readin' this,

Normally I wouldn't life a claw to help these stupid greyhounds (they still ain't grey), but my human pointed out that the more of 'em get helped out, the more of 'em will go to homes that are not THIS one.

Anything that keeps more of 'em from gettin' in here is good by me. Dazzle and Summer are enough of a discipline problem, don't need my Idiot Feral Human gettin' ideas and thinking about bringing in a third cuz boo-hoo, it ain't got no home of its own.

Colorado Greyhound Adoption is puttin' together it's annual calendar again, and this year's theme is "Greyhounds Through The Ages"--they got them in Ancient Egypt, the Middle East, Victorian England, and World War II, for starters.

If interested (and you damn well better be, I don't want no more of 'em in MY house),go to http://www.cgashop.com/ and select "calendars" and you'll see the cover shot.

So there. You got what you need. Now I gotta go and smack the dogs around. They're gettin' too soft lately.

Hisses,
Chase

So I'm a little behind. So what?

2009-05-05T18:39:00.001-06:00

Dear Idiot Humans reading my blog,

I am reposting some of my letters from greytalk.com. My Idiot Feral Human was foolish enough to tell me I should put new material up for those of you who have read them before. The Idiot Feral Human seems to think her opinion counts around here.

Hisses,
Chase

How many time do I gotta tell her she didn't see anything?

2009-05-05T18:34:00.000-06:00

Not-dear-Idiot Stupid Feral Human,

I was NOT cuddling with that damn stupid dog you call Dazzle. Cuddling indicates that I *love* her, which I don't. I was merely pressed up against her belly because it's COLD (which is a hint to you to turn up the heat in here, moron), and she was warm.

It's a question of my very important comfort and survival only. So quit carrying on with you, "Aww, are you snuggling with your puppy?" You sound like a complete and total ding-dong when you say that, you know.

Hisses,
Chase

P.S. I took the batteries out of your camera, so you will NEVER get photographic evidence of this. I'm not as dumb as some idiot feral humans I could mention

You didn't see a thing, Idiot Human

2009-05-05T18:32:00.000-06:00

Not-dear-Idiot Human,

You did not see me rubbin' up on Dazzle and givin' her lovins this morning when you came downstairs. And quit tryin' to say you did.

Hisses,
Chase

I am a Fleetwood Mac fan

2009-05-05T18:31:00.002-06:00

Not-dear Idiot Human,

Whoever told you that you can sing, lied. If I *have* to listen to human singing, you can put on that Stevie Nicks human for me. If I had my way (as I should) she would be the only idiot human allowed to sing.

Hisses,
Chase
(The Fleetwood Mac fan)

A Two-Fur, not that you idiot humans deserve it

2009-05-05T18:30:00.001-06:00

Dear Idiot Human,

Dazzle and I drinking out of the same water bowl at the same time doesn't mean a damn thing except that I was thirsty and she is too stupid to respect my personal space. But once again, you get all excited and think this means I love her or some stupid thing like that. Moron.

Hisses,
Chase

****************************

Dear Stupid Girl-Kitten,

Don't think I haven't noticed you calling Dazzle over to you then rubbing yourself up against her face. I raised you better than that.

Hisses,
Chase

Attempts on the Idiot Feral Human's life

2009-05-05T18:29:00.001-06:00

Dear Stupid Dogs,

Do NOT trip up the human. I don't want her to fall and get killed. Not that I give so much a damn about HER, mind you, but she does have the opposable thumbs around here and feeds me. If she dies, who feeds me? Not to mention, if I want her offed, I'll do it myself, thankyouverymuch, and a hell of a lot more efficiently than YOU two could manage.

Hisses,
Chase

I can if I want to!

2009-05-05T18:28:00.002-06:00

Dear Idiot Human and not-so-dear Stupid so-called "Grey" hounds,

If I want to drink out of their water bowl, then I will.

And they can stand there whining and looking all stupid-pathetic all they want. I don't give much of a damn.

They'll drink when I'm done and I *say* they can drink.

Anybody got a problem with that?

I didn't think so.

Hisses,
Chase

Whiny dogs

2009-05-05T18:27:00.001-06:00

So here's the deal. In the morning, I like to sit on the bottom step near the kitchen so I can watch my stupid feral human mix up the wet food that I like for my breakfast. I have to watch over her to make sure she does it right, cuz she's an idiot human.

Dazzle seemed to get it in her head that my sitting on the step meant I wanted her to love on me. Damn idiot dog. I hissed at her a couple of times, and she'd make this infernal racket with her whining. "Oh, poor me, Chase won't let me love him." Pathetic.

And the stupid human FALLS for it. She's all, "Aww, poor Dazzle, is Chase not lovin' you? Poor puppy...."

So not only does the damn stupid greyhound whine, but her whining gets the damn stupid human whining. Dammit.

Listening to them two whine just ain't worth it. So I've been letting Dazzle give me a good-morning kiss in the morning, cuz it keeps HER happy and not whining, which keeps my idiot feral human from whining, too.

That's ALL there is to it. I don't love that damn dog. I just want her to shut up.

I dare anybody here to say otherwise. ::GLARE::

Hisses,
Chase

I want my nap!

2009-05-05T18:21:00.004-06:00

Dear Stupid Dazzle,

Quit licking me when I am taking my nap on the sofa.

Hisses,
Chase

Dear Stupid Human,

Your so-call 'observation' that it takes me five minutes of being licked before I start hissing at her is probably wrong, mainly because you are stupid and have no sense of time, and is not appreciated. Feel free to keep your comments of, "Aww, I know you love your puppy" to yourself. Idiot.

Hisses,
Chase

Fine. I have a blog now. Happy, idiot humans?

2009-04-03T21:30:00.007-06:00

Not-dear idiot humans,

Some of you here know me, some of you don't. For you exceptionally stupid humans (though you'd have to go a ways to beat my Idiot Feral Human for stupidity) who failed to read the description on my blog, I am Chase. I'm a 12-year-old cat. What this makes me in human years, I don't know, and it ain't up for discussion, capice?

I had no intentions of doing this 'blog' thing, but I got me this fan club on another website--http://forum.greytalk.com. It's a website for idiot dog-lovin' humans who like these 'greyhounds' (who ain't grey, which just proves how gullible humans are). They like to adopt 'em and give 'em homes. I encourage you all to look into doing this--if more of you dog-lovin' humans take greyhounds home, that's less greyhounds for my human to try and adopt and bring into my house. There's two here already that she didn't bother to consult me about before she brought 'em home. They're stupid. It's been hell.

Anyway, I'd take the computer away from my Idiot Feral Human and give the other dog-lovin' humans on that website a piece of my mind. (My human just made a disrespectful comment about my mind. No problem. I know where she sleeps.) I told those other dog-lovin' humans what I thought of the whole lot of them.

And wouldn't you just know it.....they think I'm *funny*. Don't humans have the sense to know when they're being insulted?

Apparently not, cuz some of 'em started saying I should have my own blog so they could keep up with my life. I had NO intentions of doing ANYTHING to please the humans, but Idiot Feral Human said it would be their way of worshiping me and admiring me, even from afar.

I could stand a little worship and admiration from other corners. God knows my human refuses to dedicate herself to my every want and need 24/7. *Never* adopt an adult human. They're completely feral and near untrainable at that point. I only keep this one cuz she's got opposable thumbs, and so far, has kept my food bowls filled promptly upon demand. But that's a basic commands and she ain't capable of much more than that. 6 billion humans on this planet and I adopted the dummy. *glare*

So I'll update this as I see fit, and you humans who want to can read all you want. Feel free to admire me, as I deserve.

Now, if you'll excuse me (not that I care if you do or not), I'm gonna sign off and let the Idiot Feral Human know I'm ready for bed, so she should go too. I like to curl up in her armpit, it's warm there.

Hisses,
Chase